One of the most common questions I am asked as a sex coach is: "How do I bring up the subject of sex with my partner? How do I talk to my partner about sex?" There are several concerns that may arise in this situation. First, you don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel rejected. Second, you may not know exactly what to say. Third, maybe it's not all bad, and you just want to spice it up without them thinking something is wrong. These thoughts and more can make initiating this conversation challenging.
Many individuals desire to enhance their pleasure in life but often find it challenging to initiate a conversation with their partner about it. Discussing something as personal and vulnerable as sexuality can be intimidating. Here are some effective ways to kickstart a conversation about spicing up your relationship with your partner.
An easy starting point is the Netflix show "Sex, Love, and Goop." The show follows the journey of multiple couples working with sexuality professionals, including Jaiya and the Erotic Blueprints™, which were featured on the program. You can be casually surfing Netflix on the couch with your partner and happen to stumble upon it or look it up and start watching it together. Then, let your partner know what you found.
For example:
- "Hey, I found this show on Netflix about couples spicing up their relationship. It's really interesting. Wanna watch it with me?"
- "I was watching the show on Netflix about couples spicing up their relationship, and there was this cool thing called the erotic blueprints they were talking about. There's a quiz that you can take online. Do you want to take it with me?"
The blueprint quiz is also an easy way to start the conversation with your partner. You can share the link and your own results:
- "Hey, I found this quiz online. It's about how people experience pleasure. I took it, and it says that I'm a shape shifter. Here's the link. Let me know what your results are."
- "Hey, look at this quiz I found online. It's about pleasure and sexuality. Do you want to take it with me? It looks fun."
There are also times when a more direct conversation is desired. Here are some things to say when you want to be very direct:
- "I really enjoy being intimate with you and value our time together. I would love to explore what increasing pleasure and our relationship looks like."
- "I really love you and value our relationship. One thing I love about us is our chemistry and how we connect. Sexually, I would love to enhance that aspect of our relationship. It's good now, and I wonder what else is possible."
- "Lately, I've been curious about exploring sexuality, and I really want to do it with you."
Bringing up such a vulnerable subject can be challenging for some, so if you're feeling scared and vulnerable, here are some ways to start the conversation:
- "I love you, and I want to talk to you about something, and I'm scared."
- "So, I have a 'sick to my stomach feeling' and tension in my throat right now because I want to talk to you about something that's really vulnerable, and I feel a little bit nervous about starting the conversation."
- "I love you and our relationship. I would like to talk to you about something that feels really vulnerable to me."
- "I'm experiencing body sensations. I feel a little bit nervous and scared. I would like to talk to you about our sex life/pleasure. Are you open to having this conversation with me? And is now a good time?"
If not, schedule a time to chat when both of you can be in a grounded space, a space of love and connection with each other. You can also set a time container on the conversation to check in and see if you would like to continue it or pause and take a break.
Let us know how the conversation goes!