Start Here: How to Talk About Sex, Intimacy and Relationships

In much of our culture and society we are playing a game with unclear rules, expectations, boundaries and agreements.

Exploring intimacy, relationships and sexuality is an experiential learning process with subjective results for each person. We all come to our own conclusions based on our life experience.

No wonder this stuff can be so challenging!

People start exploring sexuality and relationships for a variety of reasons

Have you ever…

• Been in a relationship and realize that you have different definitions of what cheating means or even what sex means?

• Have you experienced being in a relationship with someone who's culture or religious and spiritual beliefs are different than yours?

• When it comes to sex and relationships do you feel differently in the present compared to the past? or desire something different than you did before?

• Are you a monogamous person who is interested in deepening your connection with your partner and spicing up your relationship?

• Are you interested in or practicing conscious non-monogamy or another lifestyle or activity different from the dominant cultural norm?

• Would you like to be able to integrate your spiritual and sexual belief systems so that you are free from anxiety, guilt and shame?

• Do you simply want to have a conversation with your partner about intimacy and sexuality that doesn't end in an argument or miscommunication or getting someone's feelings hurt?

• Have you ever gone along with something you weren't really sure about and then later regretted it?

• Have you stopped yourself from speaking into what you really want in the moment/ what's important to you out of fear?

• Do traditional culturally dominant gender norms not seem to bring you the most satisfaction and fulfillment?

• Perhaps you are very comfortable with sex and sexuality and you find most people are not and would like to bridge the gap in order to create the most satisfying and fulfilling relationships and experiences possible.

Regardless of the reason you are reading this right now, imagine there is some greater purpose behind it. We choose to embrace this inquiry, curiosity and non-judgment. 

How to talk about Sex and Boundaries and Desires in a relationship.

Setting a Container 

One of the most helpful tools that we have learned to help us navigate exploring sexuality and relationships is called setting a container. 

Foundation 

Our community agreements give us a perspective or mindset to set a solid foundation to explore, in a way that feels safe and in alignment with where we're at in the moment. You can review our community agreements online, on our website, social media and in the Eventbrite ticket confirmation email and page.

In addition to community agreements we also have a process of repair that has been created and implemented by our mentors and leaders within the field of sexuality intimacy and relationships

Consent

Consent is one of our community agreements; it is also one of the most easily misunderstood and taken for granted agreements that we have.

Consent is fluid and shifts according to different set/settings, desires, relationship agreements and people involved.

We created an easy way to clarify consent in any given situation; it's called the

DBSA Parlay. 

It was created by Johnny Vajra, one of the founders of St Pete Retreat. We offer this to you as a free download when you sign up for our email list. If you've signed up for our email list already and haven't received our new DBSA Parlay Download Email Stacie@stpeteretreat.com at to get it.

Many of you that have participated in our community and events the past 3 years that have a clear understanding of these two foundational tools.

There are many more of you who are new to exploring or new to us. We welcome you into our community with open hearts.

We understand starting to talk about sex, intimacy and relationships can create feelings and thoughts from fear, inadequacy, anxiety to excitement, elation and expansion. 

All of your thoughts and feelings are natural especially considering your experience and knowledge up until this point.

I'm comfortable but my partner isn't?

What to do:

Move as fast as the slowest moving part. This can feel terrifying or completely boring like nothing is happening…. This is totally understandable!

From our experience we have found that when we practice this, we experience more success and fewer challenges. We actually move faster in the long run because we are taking one step forward at a time rather than taking three steps forward and five steps back. 

Exploring sexuality, intimacy and relationships is really a lifelong journey, a marathon not a race. The only destination is the present moment.

Embody it:

Using our community agreements to set a foundation and the DBSA Parlay to get specific in any situation you can be in alignment with yourself and your relationship anytime you choose. Creating safety, alignment, a shared understanding and more intimate experiences.

Communication: Words are spells

What to say:

As we start having these conversations we're going to have more awareness around the words that we're using, learning to communicate in a way that speaks from the I and takes personal responsibility. While acknowledging someone else's perspective and honoring that, regardless of our judgments of it.

Communicating in this way is a lot easier said than done, especially in the moment.

Practicing nonviolent communication and using the SEW method detailed in Julia B Colwell's book, The Relationship Skills Workbook. You will witness us practicing these skills as a way of being. We are also here to support you and find your words for clear, productive communication. 

Practicing these foundational tools will help create safety and openness to explore. Providing you the momentum you need to progress and expand. 

It's a practice not a perfect

We also know the process of unlearning things (that no longer work for us, that may be patterns, habits; conscious or unconscious) and learning: we don't always nail it on the first try. This is why we have a process for repair and coming back into love sooner than later. Learn more about our process of repair here. 

Invitation: 

Let it be known we are introducing a new green chili pepper event:

Start Here Social 

The Start Here Social is a social event where you get an opportunity to connect with other people and a relaxed social setting , understand community agreements, and how to set a container to explore safely. 

You can check out the space and earn an achievement badge that qualifies you for special discounts and offers exclusive only to people who have achieved this badge!

Here are our top resources for you for safe exploration of sexuality relationships and spirituality

• Link to DBSA Parlay

• Link to community agreements

• Erotic blueprint quiz

• The Relationship Skills Workbook by Julia B Colwell

Overall, to explore the intricate landscape of intimacy, sexuality and relationships, it’s essential to approach the journey with curiosity, compassion, and a growth mindset. By utilizing the tools we practice and teach, you can create safe spaces for exploration and connection. Remember, this journey is ongoing—embracing these practices will not only enrich your own experiences but also deepen relationships with others, in and out of the bedroom!

As you engage with these principles, may you find empowerment in your journey toward authentic self expression and integration. Schedule a 15 min call to answer any additional questions about how we can be of service on your journey.